A Letter to Mama

So I didn't get you any flowers. Or chocolate. Or jewelry. Or anything actually. I bought you a card a week ago and it is still in my purse waiting for me to write in it, buy stamps and mail it. Hopefully you will get it by the end of May...But what I do have for you is this:

Dear Mama,
After 33 years together, you know me better than sometimes I even know myself. When I overextend myself and am running ragged, you know by the sigh in my voice and gently remind me to go to sleep a little early tonight. When I have been beat up by the world and am beginning to doubt myself, you gently remind me of all the things I do right and where my strengths lie. When I am ready to go into battle, you are right there next to me - whether it is in spirit, prayer and actually fighting on my behalf! How do you say thank you for that type of devotion?

You are my original home - your body and your love cradled me for 10+ months. You carried me within your womb for over 42 weeks. You went through days of prodromal labor with me, only for me to finally roar out of you. You fed me with your own body, while caring for a toddler and husband and house. You kissed my boo-boos, hugged me tight, never complained in the middle of the night when I woke up just because. You held me when I was sick and sang to me.

You taught me to love others as I loved myself. You taught me to turn the other cheek and to pick my battles. You prayed for me, and with me, and spoke blessings upon me.

At every stage of my life, you put my needs before your own. You have been mother, chef, chauffeur, maid, friend, counselor, teacher, doctor, nurse, guide, coach, and so much more. Every decision that you made from the time I was conceived has been filtered through what was best for me (not you!).

It must have been heart wrenchingly painful when each of those stages came to an end and you had to let me go a little bit. And then a little bit more. But you allowed me space to find myself and be myself and let me go.

I believe that being a mother is the most difficult thing anyone can ever do. But I am not sure that joy is truly felt until the moment that a mother is born. Every moment is sweeter, every blessing is doubled, every opportunity is magical.

So, today and every day, I celebrate you, Mama. You have shaped me and helped mold me into the woman and mother that I am. When I look into the eyes of my sweet baby boy, I feel closer to you than I ever have before. I know the secret...it's love. It knows no beginning or end. It is a gift. Thank you for this gift. I hope that when you look into my eyes, you see it too.

Love, Deva

To Whom Much Is Given

Ever had a thought just run through your head over and over and over?? Well I have. I usually I find that it is the Lord trying to get my attention and He usually has to be a little persistent for me to sit up and fully understand what He is saying.

Luke 12:48b, "...From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more."

I think that I have always read this verse and heard the adage, "to whom much is given..." and just assumed it didn't apply to me. WOW! How small minded of me. As if God is any respecter of persons. As if someone's bank account determines their worth. As if social status actually matters.

"To whom much is given" - Well let's just see what I've been given. I've been given eyesight (not good, but correctable with contacts!) to see the beauty of this world and the faces of loved ones. I've been given hearing - to hear the laughter of my son, my husband tell me he loves me, and all the sounds of this world. I've been given two arms and two legs so that I may carry the load that God has given me and run the race set before me. I've been given health, that even though I've had some rough spots, God has brought me through them all and given me a deeper appreciation for those in pain and in need of healing. I've been given love - a deep, stubborn love for my husband that has already weathered so many storms in the few years we've been together and is growing stronger daily; a ferocious love for my son; a love for true friends that knows no words, and can only be measured by the heart, shared only by experience and mutual admiration; and a love for family, both the one that I have and the one I am creating. I've been given laughter and beautiful people to share it with. I've been given passion - while not everyone will agree with me all the time, I am passionate in my pursuits and beliefs and I don't apologize for this. I've been given faith and God is stretching me daily. OUCH!! I've been given pain, disappointment and broken dreams. All opportunities to learn a lesson, become more tenderhearted, more grace-giving, more forgiving, and less judgmental. I've been given false friends to show me how much I appreciate the true gems. I've been given second chances so that I can give second chances. I could go on and on about all the blessings in my life, but these are the ones that came to mind first :)

"...much is required" - I have come to the conclusion (for myself) that this is where God wants me to grow. He requires me to be loving, giving, forgiving,full of grace, mercy-filled, bold, passionate, steadfast, committed, earnest, devoted, humble, encouraging and kind. We are the light of the world. We are the city on the hill. This is the "much" that is required of us. Not to be perfect, but to be purposeful. To be intentional. To do our best, to leave people better than they were before we came.

"and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more." - I am honored that God has entrusted all of these things to me! And I vow (to try at least!) to answer the call with a smile when He calls me and asks more of me.

I mean, is a smile or a kind word (even in the midst of my own storm) too much to ask? God doesn't think so and my goal is to give them freely and cheerfully, knowing that as I give what I have, I will be blessed with even more! As we prove ourselves with "little", we are granted authority of more.

Thank you Lord, for all you've entrusted to me. I'm ready to answer the call.

Trust

Sometimes I bet God is looking at me thinking, "Deva, when will you get it? When will you see how much I love you and how MY ways are so much better than your ways?". I've been working through some things lately, and yesterday God chose to remind me that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that I can make plans and preparations, but that He is in control. And that He uses EVERYTHING for good...so let me re-cap the past 24 hours:

I went to bed on Wednesday night feeling like poo. Seriously, like poo. Wasn't sure if I was going to work on Thursday. Woke up Thursday morning and still considered calling in sick. Then I got a text message from my assistant saying her daughter was sick and she wasn't coming in - so I sucked it up and got up to go to work. Fast forward through a long day of work - made even longer by a meeting after work until 7. Gideon's sitter sent me a message while at work to say her 3 kids are sick, so now I need to find a back up for Friday...did I mention the only other person that we have to watch him during the day just had surgery? Ok, so I guess I will take a sick day on Friday and stay home with him (pretty glad I didn't call in on Thursday now!). Business meeting scheduled for every Thursday night - the sitter had a last minute scheduling conflict, so looks like I will have to miss the meeting. [Note to self - increase sitter list :) ].

So I walk in the door, Babe hands me Gideon and kisses me and walks out. Hi Babe, bye Babe - we haven't seen each other all day...I get Gideon bathed and in his pjs and am settling in to read him a bedtime story when my phone rings. I don't answer it. Then I hear that I have a text message. Thinking it must be Babe, I get up to check. Missed call from Maria. Text from Maria. Text reads, "oh the baby". Now I should mention to you that my good friend Maria is uber pregnant. She had wanted a home birth, but that hadn't worked out for various reasons, but she and I had talked and talked about birthing options and interventions during her pregnancy. Now she wasn't due quite yet, so I was confused when I got this message. Maybe she is coming early?? So I immediately call Maria back. She answers the phone and calmly informs me that she has just given birth to her daughter. At.Home. In.the.bathtub. Unassisted!!! Girl, you rock!

Her husband is there and gets on the phone - we go over checking the placenta and cutting the cord. Baby is fine, Mama is fine. In fact, Baby is already nursing :)  We talk for a few more minutes. Maria is going to take a shower and lie down.

I pack up Gideon (in his jammies), grab whats left of my birthing kit and head over to Maria's. I call my midwife and tell her what happened...we laugh about home birth and how birth just happens. Looks like Maria got the birth she wanted after all!

When I get to Maria's, the house is filled with the sounds of laughter and the smell of food cooking. A family friend had come and started some soup  and was cleaning up the kitchen. Folding laundry. Caring for Maria's older daughters. This is what birth should be!

Maria and Baby are lying on her bed, nursing. All is well and peaceful. I give Maria my after-birthing supplies and she walks into the bathroom. Dad is beaming and about to POP out of his skin. He heads off to the store to buy some things that Maria and the baby will need. Maria rests and eats and nurses. Gideon and the girls play in the other room - shouldn't they all be sleeping! But I guess they can feel the oxytocin in the room, because they keep coming in and laughing and playing in the bedroom. Big sisters hold their newborn sister. Love is born and is growing stronger by the second. Everyone is clean and warm and fed. Time for everyone to go to bed...

When I got home after midnight, all I could think about was - how great is our God? And how wonderful He has made us. Of course He knew Maria was giving birth last night. And He knew she wasn't going to make to the hospital. And everything that had looked like it was going wrong in my life, was orchestrated so that I could be available to Maria to help her.

Life is fleeting. Life is fragile. We try so hard to control and plan and prepare. Last night God whispered to me, "I got this Deva. I am in control. I will give you more, exceedingly and abundantly more than you could EVER dream of if you'll just TRUST me."

I'm trusting God. In the easy and the hard. In places that I understand and the ones that I don't. He doesn't promise me that I will always understand, He just promises to provide.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁰Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--    ²¹To Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen (so be it).

Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned My First Year as a Mama

As 2011 draws to a close, I thought it fitting to reflect on this past year - the ups and downs and what I have learned. This year has certainly been an eventful one. And while not everyone would consider my life "exciting", I can assure you, it is far from dull! Anyone that knows me, knows that I am passionate and can be outspoken. I hope that this year I have learned to give more grace, to be intentional, and to love unconditionally. Here is what my precious son and being his mama has taught me:

1. Sleep solves almost every "crisis". Even if it doesn't solve it, it helps you deal with the situation better.

2. Priorities change, and that is actually healthy. Filter all your decisions through your priorities to have a happy life.

3. The people in your life may change, or at least their significance in your life at any given moment. Family is made up of people that you love and that love you, regardless of how long you've known them or actual relation.

4. Somethings CAN wait (laundry, dishes, facebook, showering, peeing, etc), while others can't (throw up, a crying baby, a blow out poop, watching your baby sleep, playing peek-a-boo, telling someone that you love them).

5. All of us are doing the best that we can with what we have. We all want to be better (I hope!).

6. Joy is not found in things, but in moments, smiles, hugs and memories.

7. Defeat is not in failing, but in giving up or never trying in the first place. Falling down is inevitable, but getting back up again is a choice.

8. There is no "normal"! Don't judge yourself by other people or their standards. Determine what you believe in and then remain committed to that.

9. Find what you are good at and sell out to that.

10. You can never say "I love you" too much. You can never tell someone enough how important they are. But never stop trying...

11. Everything is temporary. Good and bad, it all changes. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, here comes another curve ball!

12. Be flexible. Be spontaneous.

13. You are stronger and more capable than you realize. Stretch yourself to see what your limits truly are. Never sell yourself short.

14. LAUGH. And then laugh more. Happiness is remembered like a glow that surrounds you.

15. Set limits. And then stick to them. Even when it hurts.

16. Be intentional. Have a purpose in all that you do.

17. Give grace. Every person you meet is fighting a battle. We are all doing the best that we can and until you've walked a year in some one's sleep-deprived, post-partum, separation-anxiety, guilt-riddled (at times) shoes, you have no right to judge them. Maybe you would do things differently - you'll have your chance.

18. Acceptance and sensitivity will get you much farther in life than beating someone over the head with your opinions. Unsolicited advice is criticism.

19. Having a schedule (that is flexible) is vital. Try to stay on track, but let it go if things need to change.

20. Always keep a snack, some tissues and a toy in your purse. You never know when any of this will come in handy (and not just for your baby!). Basically, be prepared. ALL.THE.TIME. For anything!

21. When you're stressed, it rubs off on others. Take time to take care of you so that you have more to give.

22. Never let someone make you feel inferior or embarrassed of your decisions. If you believe in what you are doing - say so! Just because "everyone" does things one way, doesn't make it right or best. It is impossible to please everyone all the time, so stop trying and do what you know in your heart is right for you.

23. Sharing can be hard. But you have to.

24. Be fearless. Be bold. Try something new. You never know what you will like or what works if you don't try.

25. God is in EVERYTHING. Especially the little things. If you don't see that, I can't relate to you.

26. God uses the least of us to teach us the biggest lessons. No one and nothing is too small to matter.

27. Let go. Trust yourself. Trust God, He'll be up all night anyway.

28. Always act, never react. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and count to 5 before responding in anger. Chances are, you will regret it later and then it's too late. Words wound deeper than weapons. They also heal and uplift. Use them wisely.

29. You will miss this one day. So stop wishing it away - good or bad. Enjoy ALL the moments of your life. Even the trials. They form you into the person you are destined to be.

30. Love is an action word. It is doing, saying, feeling, showing, staying, hugging, working, growing, trying, overcoming. It is constant - in good times and bad. It is present. It is consuming. It is beautiful. It is important.

I once heard a quote about being a mother that said being a mother was like having your heart walk around outside of your body. I thought I understood that before Gideon was born. Now, I fully comprehend it. With every great blessing comes great responsibility. I thank God everyday for the blessing He has given me and pray for guidance to fulfill my responsibility.

Happy New Year! May 2012 be blessed!

6 Months

Little G-unit is 6 months old today! WOW...how did THAT happen? He is growing like crazy - he has doubled his birth weight and is weighing in around 18 pounds and seems to be hitting another growth spurt in the past few days.

Last month he started sitting up really well by himself, scooting, and feeding himself. Two days ago he figured out how to pull himself up to stand and he just thinks he is so funny! He has progressed from what I like to call the "army crawl" (think wounded soldier), to the "inchworm". Any second now I fully expect to see him just take off and zoom around the house! We have chosen to follow Baby Led Weaning (BLW) with Gideon and he is taking off with it! The premise of this method is that you introduce "solid" solids to a baby instead of beginning with purees and progressing to foods with more texture. And, babies must feed themselves, not be spoon-fed.  Basically, G eats whatever I am eating. This is such a fun endeavor! So far his favorite foods are steak (cooked medium), BACON!!, pickles, and sweet potatoes. He has also tried and enjoyed granny smith apple, cheese, tomato, shrimp, black beans, broccoli, watermelon and poached egg.

(I will add pics soon!!)

Gideon finally cut his first tooth! It came quietly and without a fuss. And now his other bottom tooth feels like it will be popping in any day now. What a big boy!

There is so much more that we have been up to, but I will have to work backwards to post all of it - be looking for a Mother's Day recap, funny videos and my mother of the year moment!!!

Seriously, it's almost MAY!?!?

Wow! Where does the time go? It just seems to slip by like water through my fingers...

Gideon is a little over 5 months now and increasingly mobile! While this is exciting, it is also a little scary. Time to baby-proof the house, move everything out of reach and try to vacuum the floor a little more often. G-man is sitting up totally unassited now, reaches for things with both hands and can switch his toys from hand to hand, is very interested in food (more on that in another post!), and has begun "inchworming" around the floor. He gets up on his hands and knees and rocks, but hasn't quite figured out how to manuever that way, so he drags his body around by his arms, while schooching (is that a word??) his little bottom up in the air and then pushing off the floor with his toes.



Uncle Jason



We have had some visitors in the Millward household in the last month or so. If I'd had the time to post more recently after said visits, I would probably have lots of witty stories to tell, but as it is I will just post a pic or two. My brother and his family flew in from CA and stayed with us for about a week and my mom and sister and her husband camped out in our living room while they were here. Gideon didn't know what to do with all the attention!



Cousins



Before that, Babe's mom and sister came down to visit again and of course, Aunt Erin came bearing gifts :o). We had a great time with them as well, and will probably be planning a trip to OH for some point in the summer.

This past weekend was Easter and Gideon was all decked out in plaid shorts, a white polo and a yellow sweater vest. And of course I didn't get a picture of his cuteness...oh well, luckily for us he is cute all the time so I will just post a random picture of him! Thanks to a recent shopping trip and the generosity of a few friends, G is all decked out and set for summer! He has his sunglasses, a swimsuit and lots of uber-cute clothes. Who said only little girl clothes were cute? (ps, I think I might've said that at one point, but honestly, the boys clothes have really come a long way!).

Gideon's new obsession is his ERGO and he wants to be in it most of the time. In fact, he is asleep in it as I type this (how else did you think I had time and two free hands to post??). Not sure if it's the changing weather, teething or just his age, but he has been miserable if I am not holding him or he can't see me...as much as I love being loved, it is difficult to get anything done when he demands my undivided attention. I intend to enjoy it though, as I am sure there will be a time in the not to distant future when I will miss him enjoying my company so much!

I did what?!?

Is it seriously April 2nd??? Where does the time go...

Well, before I jump into catching up on life in the Millward household, here's a funny story from last night that basically sums up my life these days:

Babe had the day off, so it was a Daddy and Gideon day. While Gideon was fully dressed and matching today (quite a feat for Babe!), he had managed to get spit up and poop on his onesie and Babe left him in it all day because he'd "wiped most of it off". *eye roll* (mine not Babe's). So as soon as I got my hands on G, I changed him, nursed and off to town the 3 of us go. We ran some errands together and before you know it, it's almost 8 and we are all starving and I'm too tired to fix supper, so Rancho for some quesadillas it is! Because I am so famished, and I know G will want to eat as soon as I get food, I decide to nurse him before we go into the restaurant. Only he's more interested in EVERYTHING else going on around him. Oh well, into Rancho we go - hopefully I will get to eat while my food is still remotely warm :o)

Praise be to the Lord, G is content to sit in his seat and play with a toy while I scarf down my food. With one bite to go, he is done sitting and is ready to be held...so into my arms he comes and instant happiness! He plays happily at the table while Babe finishes his meal and then we head home. G falls asleep in the car, so I jump in the tub to take a bath when we get home because sore doesn't even begin to describe how I feel at the end of the day. When he wakes up, he and Babe dance around the house, waiting for Gideon's turn in the tub. Meanwhile, I had fallen asleep in the tub! Holy moly, I need a nap!

Out I come and in goes Gideon. Then we nurse and he falls asleep (me too - almost). I go to put him down and he wakes up! He is teething and is a little congested so getting him to sleep these past few days has been more challenging. So tired I can't even function, I take G to Babe and announce that I am going to bed. Now the next thing I remember is waking up this morning (I mean I vaguely remember waking several times during the night to nurse too) to Babe's alarm - which never seems to wake him oddly enough! Babe falls back asleep but G rouses and we nurse again (picking up on a pattern?? LOL). The next thing I know it's 8:30. Thank you Gideon for letting me sleep in! So we get up and begin our day...I call Babe to say hey and I ask him "what time did you and Gideon come to bad last night?" To which he replies "I didn't bring Gideon to bed. Don't you remember getting up and taking him from me? He was fussy and it woke you up. You took him from me and starting nursing him, STANDING up in the living room!!" Wow, nope I don't recall that at all...hahahahaha

And to wrap it all up, the only reason I have a few minutes to play catch up is because I just nursed him to sleep! I would not change a thing though :o) I love my little milk man <3